Tomorrow it's been 16 years...I can't believe it's been that long. It's hard to wrap my head around everything that could have been. I'm sure there have been many that think I am crazy and dwell on something I can't change. 

I lost a child. 

How do you get over that? 
 
To this day, I still shed tears. 

I can't say "well, she lived a long life". 

She didn't have a life. She didn't get to ever cry her first cry. She didn't get to say "mama" for the first time. She never got to have that first day at school. She never got to start middle school or high school, and she never got her learner's permit. Most importantly, she was never baptized.


So that's where I am today, heartbroken for the life that wasn't. 


Happy Angelversary to Madison Elizabeth.

The Dreadful Subject is now a Hot Media Subject!!

It was only 3 months ago that the if word "miscarriage" or "stillbirth" appeared as a headline, it was almost unheard of. Today, there have been articles in Time, Forbes, The New York Times, etc... I feel like the last 4 years have been an uphill battle getting the word out in our community, now, it's almost like people can't stop talking about it!

Unfortunately, it takes people like Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, country singer, Randy Rogers, and football player Andrew Quarless, for people to actually pay attention. That being said, I can't thank these individuals enough for talking about this subject! We live in a world where everyone wants to believe that everything is sunshine and rainbows. If only life were that simple. My life has had tragedy. I've lost two pregnancies and a granddaughter born still. I have lost grandparents, but losing a baby is whole different story. You know, in a strange way, I'm pretty jealous of my grandparents, they have met my babies and I haven't. They have gotten to hold my babies, and I haven't.

God be with the angel mommies and daddies out there. Be thankful for the media attention as it allows so many to grieve, when they haven't been able to before!

16 years ago, The Day my Life Changed Forever

I can't believe it's been 16 years. I think about what has happened in my life.......and what hasn't. I first found out I was pregnant on July 4, 1999. I was so excited. When a woman is expecting, the brain starts thinking about all the glorious things that you are going to do with your baby. You dream of Christmas and birthdays. Well, that wasn't was supposed to happen for me

Here is what happened on August 15, 1999....

I woke up at 5 a.m. to cramping and bleeding. I called my mom, because my husband was out of town. She came and picked me up and we headed to the emergency room. This is the first time I had ever been to the emergency room, when I didn't have to wait 2 hours. I was immediately taken back to a room. They pumped me full of fluids and took me down a very bumpy hallway for an ultrasound. The technician said nothing. I knew, but didn't want to hear..... Back in the room, the doctor came in and said "Well, it looks like you've had a miscarriage." Yeah, it was about that insensitive. They examined me and after the OB came by and told me that miscarriages were "God's checks and balances", I headed to my mom's house. We stopped by the store to pick up essentials and while standing in line, we saw people we knew. Mom went over and whispered to them what had happened. 16 years ago, you didn't just say it out loud.

It has been since that day, that I have made it my mission to talk about it. Hell, I will scream it from the mountaintops, if only people would listen. "I LOST MY BABY!" What people don't fully comprehend is that I didn't just lose a pregnancy, I lost the first cry, the first diaper change, every Christmas, every birthday. I have lost the first steps, toilet training, the first day of school. These are things people who have happy, healthy babies take for granted. This year, I have realized, I have missed teaching my child how to drive and the first crush. 

God apparently had much greater plans for me. I would never have believed it at the time, but I have been given an incredible opportunity. Because of what happened to me, I have been able to start breaking the silence in Lubbock. I am blessed. On August 16, 1999, if you would have told me that I would be helping people that have gone through the same ordeal, I would have told you that you were completely nuts! 

I can't believe that this October will be the 4th year of the PILA Memorial Service! God has used me for amazing things! How is God using you?

2009 Reflections

2009 is gone! I've been wanting to reflect on last year for a couple of weeks, but due to the situation with Frank, I haven't had the opportunity.



In 2009, Frank and I experienced betrayal that hurt us greatly. Fortunately, we have since moved on and found a new amazing church home.



When Frank had his issues that began full force in August. I have never been as scared as I was when Frank's fever hit 104.6. I was contemplating how to get the boys back from church camp. I was that scared. It was during that time, that we realized who our real friends were. Our LSA family was there through the whole time and after. I realized then that friendship was a two way street. We had been in so many friendships that were very one-sided. We now know what it is like to have friends that call just to find out how we are doing.



Frank was in and out of the hospital from August until just this week. After his major surgery a couple of weeks ago, we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is so awesome to see my husband feel better.

2009 proved to be a year that I realized how wonderful my family is. I miss my brother terribly, but he is always willing to drop everything and get to Lubbock if he needs to. I'm so lucky to be as close to him as I am. This year, my father came out of his shell, so to speak, and has become a major part of our lives. It all began on Father's Day when Frank asked me to invite my dad down to celebrate. I told Frank that Dad probably won't come so no need to ask. Well, Frank pretty much forced me to call and ask. I was shocked that he said YES! Since that day, he has been a huge part of our lives. I still thank Frank for forcing me to ask him down for Father's day.

God really came into our lives this year. My relationship with God is much better than it has ever been. Can't explain why, but I'm glad! 2010 is going to be a great year. With 2009 behind us, we are in for a great year!!

Love

Yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. I have been going through my old My Space blogs and found one that helped to remind me of why I'm so happy now.... I hope you enjoy:

1 Corinthians 13 is read at most weddings. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.......and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

How often do we really listen to the verses? Do we treat our spouses with that kind of love? Love is one of the hardest things to show someone. Sometimes, we don't exactly succeed like we wish we could. I really think that after 5 or 6 years of marriage, the wedding ceremony should be repeated....not all of the flowers, dress...yada, yada yada.....but actual ceremony, so that the couple can listen to those words again. Are they still loving their spouse the way they should? It is SO hard. Love is hard work, and takes more than I think we give. If you think it is easy to be patient, your insane and have never had a true relationship.

Look at all relationships and look at the verses. I really think if you try to follow what they say, you will have a wonderful relationship, not only with your loved one, but also with God, which seems to be the most important relationship of them all.

Have a wonderful and blessed day!!

Trust

Trust is a big word. Trust is vital in all relationships, be it friendships, or more than that. I know in the past, I haven't been the most trustworthy person, but that is something that I have changed over the past few years and worked hard to rectify. Look at your life ane see how trustworthy you have been. I'm sure there is room for improvement. Look at the relationships you are in. Can you trust your friends or that special someone? Can they trust you? If not, it's time to examine those relationships.



As I said, I have worked on being a trustworthy person and I feel that I have achieved that through a great deal of introspection and prayer. I have looked at my realtionships and unfortunately, I have had to let go of friends, or people who I thought were friends, because of their lack of trustworthiness. It's heartbreaking to think that the people who we were closest to, would be that way. We are better for it. Less stress.



Today, look within yourself and ask yourself if you can trust your friends and yourself.



God Bless