Tomorrow it's been 16 years...I can't believe it's been that long. It's hard to wrap my head around everything that could have been. I'm sure there have been many that think I am crazy and dwell on something I can't change. 

I lost a child. 

How do you get over that? 
 
To this day, I still shed tears. 

I can't say "well, she lived a long life". 

She didn't have a life. She didn't get to ever cry her first cry. She didn't get to say "mama" for the first time. She never got to have that first day at school. She never got to start middle school or high school, and she never got her learner's permit. Most importantly, she was never baptized.


So that's where I am today, heartbroken for the life that wasn't. 


Happy Angelversary to Madison Elizabeth.

The Dreadful Subject is now a Hot Media Subject!!

It was only 3 months ago that the if word "miscarriage" or "stillbirth" appeared as a headline, it was almost unheard of. Today, there have been articles in Time, Forbes, The New York Times, etc... I feel like the last 4 years have been an uphill battle getting the word out in our community, now, it's almost like people can't stop talking about it!

Unfortunately, it takes people like Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, country singer, Randy Rogers, and football player Andrew Quarless, for people to actually pay attention. That being said, I can't thank these individuals enough for talking about this subject! We live in a world where everyone wants to believe that everything is sunshine and rainbows. If only life were that simple. My life has had tragedy. I've lost two pregnancies and a granddaughter born still. I have lost grandparents, but losing a baby is whole different story. You know, in a strange way, I'm pretty jealous of my grandparents, they have met my babies and I haven't. They have gotten to hold my babies, and I haven't.

God be with the angel mommies and daddies out there. Be thankful for the media attention as it allows so many to grieve, when they haven't been able to before!

16 years ago, The Day my Life Changed Forever

I can't believe it's been 16 years. I think about what has happened in my life.......and what hasn't. I first found out I was pregnant on July 4, 1999. I was so excited. When a woman is expecting, the brain starts thinking about all the glorious things that you are going to do with your baby. You dream of Christmas and birthdays. Well, that wasn't was supposed to happen for me

Here is what happened on August 15, 1999....

I woke up at 5 a.m. to cramping and bleeding. I called my mom, because my husband was out of town. She came and picked me up and we headed to the emergency room. This is the first time I had ever been to the emergency room, when I didn't have to wait 2 hours. I was immediately taken back to a room. They pumped me full of fluids and took me down a very bumpy hallway for an ultrasound. The technician said nothing. I knew, but didn't want to hear..... Back in the room, the doctor came in and said "Well, it looks like you've had a miscarriage." Yeah, it was about that insensitive. They examined me and after the OB came by and told me that miscarriages were "God's checks and balances", I headed to my mom's house. We stopped by the store to pick up essentials and while standing in line, we saw people we knew. Mom went over and whispered to them what had happened. 16 years ago, you didn't just say it out loud.

It has been since that day, that I have made it my mission to talk about it. Hell, I will scream it from the mountaintops, if only people would listen. "I LOST MY BABY!" What people don't fully comprehend is that I didn't just lose a pregnancy, I lost the first cry, the first diaper change, every Christmas, every birthday. I have lost the first steps, toilet training, the first day of school. These are things people who have happy, healthy babies take for granted. This year, I have realized, I have missed teaching my child how to drive and the first crush. 

God apparently had much greater plans for me. I would never have believed it at the time, but I have been given an incredible opportunity. Because of what happened to me, I have been able to start breaking the silence in Lubbock. I am blessed. On August 16, 1999, if you would have told me that I would be helping people that have gone through the same ordeal, I would have told you that you were completely nuts! 

I can't believe that this October will be the 4th year of the PILA Memorial Service! God has used me for amazing things! How is God using you?